The Peculiar Tale of Panda-Man and the Vanishing Cupcakes
by Forsaken Paradise
Summary: "And where, pray tell, did those three dozen cupcakes get to, Panda-san?" "I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about." ". . . There's still a smudge of icing on your chin, Panda-san." LXOC. T for language, crude humor, and truffles. Rating may go up.
1. Chapter One: The Mysterious Panda-Man

**A/N:**

**Grace: this is essentially just a random idea that popped into my head while I was shopping online for a Death Note tee-shirt, but I had to give it a try. Believe it or not, I do have something of a plot worked out, but the main reasoning behind this is. . . um. . . now that I think about it, there's not really much of a premise at all. It was fun to write, and I'll undoubtedly be adding a few more chapters to help this mess make a bit more sense. Hugs for my awesome Beta, PhantomPrussia.**

**Phantom: VERY awesome Beta who puts up with your batshit craziness, you mean.**

**Grace: yeah. . . Anyway, reviews are greatly encouraged and appreciated! :D**

_**[DISCLAIMER: I do not own the epicness that is Death Note. CAN'T SUE ME NOW, BITCH!]**_

_Chapter One: The Mysterious Panda-Man_

"Fifty two caaa-ans of soup on the heeeeeaaaaat, fifty two caaa-ans of soup! If one of those cans I should happen to eat, fifty two caaa-ans of soup on the heeeeeaaaaat! Ooooooooh, Fifty one caaa-ans of-"

"Would you shut it?!"

Besalicot Bakersfield paused a moment in her singing – shouting – to stare at the angry man beside her as she twirled a strand of brown and purple hair between her fingers. A wide grin split the girl's face as she laughed at the man's exasperated expression.

"Really, you're far too uptight for your own good." Besalicot laughed, patting the scowling man's head and ruffling his perfect hair "A smile can make a world of difference, it could help you look a bit less like your puppy was just run over by a circus clown who slapped you with a cactus and danced on your petunias."

The brunette man blinked slowly and furrowed his brow.

"Petunias?" he questioned.

"Yup! You look like the sorta guy to grow petunias."

". . . You are absolutely infuriating."

Light Yagami was moments away from strangling the irritating girl perched beside him. For three hours he had been stuck in a dark storage room that reeked of flower and sugar at she – her name wasn't worth remembering – caterwauled at the top of her lungs about _soup_!

The whole closet incident really would have been quite funny had it been someone else – specifically L – trapped in such a small space with such an annoying person, but Light found nothing amusing about his current circumstances. It had been purely by accident that he'd bumped into the loud and infuriating girl he now shared a closet with, knocking them both into the very confined space in his haste to escape from Misa. Little had he known that this . . . this _creature _would be far worse than the blonde model could ever manage.

She had started with a long string of questions, not pausing once for a breath as words tumbled from her lips at an incomprehensible speed. Light was fairly certain that she'd introduced herself at some point, but his head was pounding too painfully for him to care. Absently Light had wondered when L would finally realize his disappearance and come searching. It had already been three hours, how much time did L _need_?!

"You're sulking again. If you keep it up, I'll start calling you Frowny-kun." Besalicot threatened in a singsong voice as she poked absently at a large bag of flower beside her.

It did puzzle the girl how a complete stranger had managed to lock both himself and her into a closet – even _she _wasn't _that _clumsy – but the situation didn't particularly bother her. Sure, it was a tad inconvenient, but it wasn't like she had plans or anything. The guy was pretty cute too, she noted with a grin, but probably not her type. Besalicot got the sneaking suspicion that he used more hair products than she did.

"Do you wear makeup?"

Light's eyes widened as he turned slowly to stare at the girl's shadowed outline, mouth agape in shock as he stumbled for words. Makeup? _Makeup_?!

"No!" he finally snapped, eyes narrowing.

"Oh. . ." Light's eye twitched at the girl's disappointed sigh "I was so sure you wore makeup to go with all that hairspray. . ."

Light could almost feel the blood vessels bursting in his brain.

~D~N~

It had taken L exactly eight minutes to notice Light's disappearance from his hotel room. Twelve minutes to locate and interrogate Misa. Seventeen minutes to reach the bakery where the blonde girl said her 'boyfriend' had disappeared. Three minutes to locate the closet from which Light's enraged voice could be heard. Forty minutes in all.

For another one hundred and fifty two minutes exactly, L crouched next to the door and listened with an amused smile.

As a general rule, L was not prone to wasting time. In fact, he liked to get as much done in every moment as humanly possible, but the ramblings of the currently-unidentified girl residing within the closet along with Light's increasingly exasperated and angry replies were entirely too amusing to pass up. In fact, it was only when L noticed the stench of burning pastries that he finally stood and tapped on the door.

"Ryuuzaki?!" Light's hopeful voice called from the other side of the door.

"Light? I was wondering where you'd gotten to." L mumbled absently as he forced his humored smirk away.

"Light? So that's your name? What kinda name is Light?" the high and fast voice of the unnamed girl chirped "Do you have a brother named Dark? What about Fred? I've always liked the name Fred, it was the name of my first goldfish. Fred got eaten by a cat. The cat got run over by my mom's minivan. I tried to drive that minivan once, put it right through the display case of a cute little convenience store-"

Deciding that it was time to release Light from his highly amusing torture, L slowly turned the doorknob and pulled the door open, sending a stream of florescent light into the small space. Chief Yagami's son was crouched as close to the door as he could manage, and all but bolted from the closet the moment he saw the door crack open. The nameless girl seemed to be in much less of a hurry, taking her time as she stood and yawned loudly, running a hand absently through her violet-streaked hair before she turned to face L.

Immediately her face lit up, doe-brown eyes widening as she grinned and ran forward to wrap her arms around L's waist. The detective was stunned for several long moments as he stared down at the extraordinarily short girl who seemed to be attempting to squeeze him to death. Her words came out in a jumbled and high-pitched flurry, only bits and pieces were actually audible, but what L could hear left him mildly perturbed.

Before a proper question could from in L's mind, the girl seemed to notice the stench of burning confections as pulled away. She shouted something that may have been an apology as she dashed down the hall toward what L assumed to be the kitchen of the small bakery shop, but it was impossible to tell.

Apparently having deemed it safe to emerge from wherever he'd hidden from the hyperactive girl, Light walked cautiously over to stand beside L and stare down the corridor. They both blinked once, twice, then turned slowly to stare at each other.

"Light-kun?"

"Yes?"

". . . I think she called me Panda-san."


	2. Chapter Two: Strawberry Cupcakes And-

**A/N:**

**Grace: Holy crap. . . I was utterly blown away by the attention this got literally overnight. First I should probably mention that the previous chapter was the result of waaaaaaay too much sugar, scribbled out and posted at four a.m. when I was running on almost no sleep. Anyone giving it a second glance at all would have shocked me, but people actually bothering to follow, fave, and review? That was utterly mind-blowing for me. So, hugs and tears of joy for the three followers and four favoriters who were brave enough to read this mess and masochistic enough to want more. To **_**Cherry Ripe-teenage nightmare**_**, however, goes a special piece of L's cake! *glances around nervously***

**L: *narrows eyes and disappears to plot revenge***

**Phantom: Well, now that Gracie-chan has stolen an epic detective who doesn't like to share's most treasured possession, I plan on watching the gory aftermath. First, though, time to roll the chapter! **

**Grace: Oh yeah, and thanks to PhantomPrussia, my awesome Beta who, apparently, plans to watch my demise. T_T**

**Phantom: Yup. *Munches popcorn***

_**[DISCLAIMER: I do not own the epicness that is Death Note. CAN'T SUE ME NOW, BITCH!]**_

_Chapter Two: Strawberry Cupcakes And Bedazzeled Forks_

Light Yagami was known as a fairly levelheaded young man. He was kind and courteous to most people, opening doors for grandmothers, helping a lost child find their parent, pulling runaway kittens out of trees; essentially an all-round boy scout.

Light Yagami was also a sociopathic mass-murderer.

Fortunately for one Miss Besalicot Bakersfield, Light was a sociopathic mass-murderer with a conscience.

The second time Besalicot – who was still nothing more than a strange girl with purple-streaked hair in Light's mind – made an appearance in the young man's day, he wanted nothing more than to choke the girl to death with his bare hands.

L had insisted on taking a short break from his obsessive studying of the Kira case to hunt down something with diabetes-inducing levels of sugar. L had also insisted on dragging Light– quite literally – along on the trip. Five convenience stores and two cafes were passed by without a second glance before Watari pulled the car up to a small bakery with sickeningly pink and swirly lettering on the front window, frosted and sugar-sprinkled confections barely visible behind the massive words. A pained groan worked its way from Light's mouth before he could stop it.

Most doors made a gentle sort of tingling sound when pushed open, if any noise at all. Such was not the case at _this _particular bakery. The moment Light tentatively – and at L's direct request – opened the glass paneled door, a deafening jumble of English and painfully high-pitched music – at least Light _assumed _it was supposed to be music – burst from the very walls of the tiny shop. When L finally pushed the door closed once more the wretched noise stopped, but not half a second later an equally high-pitched shriek of excitement sounded from behind the pastel purple counter.

"_Panda-san!_" shrieked the girl as she dashed forward and fastened her arms firmly around L's waist.

The look of utter shock on the detective's face was priceless, Light decided, even if the girl – whose name still wasn't worth remembering – had a voice that could definitely shatter glass.

Before Light could thoroughly enjoy L's misery, however, Watari seemed to materialize from thin air and gently removed the girl from L's personal space. She then proceeded to throw a tantrum that reminded Light hauntingly of Misa when he refused to allow her to touch him. This particular girl looked much younger than the model, though, which could have explained her remarkably immature behavior.

"Besalicot-san, please calm yourself." Watari said evenly, causing the girl to quiet very suddenly and stare up at the man.

"You know my name?" she asked slowly, blinking her chocolate brown eyes in confusion as she tugged nervously on one purple-streaked pigtail.

"Yes." L replied, seemingly having managed to collect himself after the unexpected hug-attack "And I'll have to ask you to never touch me again."

The girl – Besa-something – looked ready to start crying again at L's last words, but all three men were saved from more waterworks by the buzzing of a timer from the hall behind the counter. For a moment the girl looked confused at the sound, but her face brightened and she scampered down the corridor before anyone could form a sentence.

Light simply stared at the horribly gaudy pastel walls, running the whole scenario over again in his mind in an effort to discern what the _hell _had just happened. There was no mistaking it, that peculiar Bella – or was it Becca? – girl was definitely the same soup-rambler he'd been forced to share a closet with not twenty four hours ago. Light also had a sneaking suspicion that L had chosen this particular bakery on purpose, undoubtedly to entertain himself at Light's expense, though that seemed to have backfired a bit on the perturbed-looking detective.

Several minutes of silence passed before Benna – Betha? – had raced back down the hall, white and pink icing smeared across her cheeks and bright purple apron while multi-colored sprinkles were tangled into her now-frizzed pigtails and a fine dusting of powdered sugar seemed to coat her entire form. She choked slightly on the sugary air, but seemed largely unbothered by the sticky substances covering her body, instead focusing on working a large tray of strawberry-topped cupcakes into the display case beside the counter. L's face lit up immediately at the sight of the high calorie treats and he shuffled over to the case faster than Light had ever seen him move before.

"Vanilla Crème cupcakes topped with fresh strawberries, buttermilk icing, and powdered sugar." The girl declared proudly, gesturing toward the confections as L pressed a finger to his lips thoughtfully.

"I'll take them all."

~D~N~

Besalicot was not an easily shocked girl.

Actually, not once in her life could she ever recall being genuinely shocked. Pleasantly surprised once or twice, but never truly startled. Well, at least until Panda-san had opened that closet door.

Most young girls – five or six years old – harbored an innate love of any and all things fluffy, cute, or huggable. Besalicot just so happened to have never grown out of that stage. In fact, if anything her adoration for cuteness in all its shapes and sizes had increased over the years, which had been a major factor in her move to Japan.

At twenty one years of age, Besalicot had decided that Wyoming was an extraordinarily boring place to live. She had promptly packed up, bought a plane ticket, and flown to Japan. At the time her ability to speak Japanese was near-nonexistent, but over her year and a half living in the country she'd managed to understand the majority of it – even if she had a rather strong accent. Like most things she did, Besalicot's sudden relocation was ill thought out and completely ridiculous, but the girl had managed to make it work.

Luck had been on her side and she was hired at a small and incredibly pastel-y bakery, where she continued to work quite happily. Her bubbly, if a tad over-the-top personality had made her a perfect fit with the very pink decor and too-sugary treats, and the shop owner – an elderly woman by the name of Reiki Haruna – had essentially retired, leaving Besalicot to run the business. While it wasn't exactly wise to turn the responsibility for an entire store – however small – to a perpetually hyper, severely ADHD, and kawaii-obsessed girl like Besalicot, she managed it all surprisingly well.

Or rather, she had managed it surprisingly well until one Light Yagami had bumped into her and locked them both in a pantry.

The moment Panda-san – as Besalicot had officially named him – opened that door, the very personification of all things kawaii, the poor girl had lost any hope of competence. From his _adorably _ruffled hair to his wide and sparkling – at least in Besalicot's mind – eyes, hunched posture to surprisingly soft tee shirts, dear Panda-san had made himself utterly irresistible to anyone with a hug fetish.

It was just icing on the cake that Panda-san happened to love cupcakes.

~D~N~

L was greatly amused by Light's reaction to the whole situation.

True, Besalicot Bakersfield – her name had been easily uncovered from a brief investigation – was a rather tedious and irritating person to be within fifty yards of, but watching the incredibly perfect and utterly unflappable Light Yagami have a small panic attack every time the small girl opened her mouth was too hilarious to pass up.

The cupcakes weren't half bad, either.

After wrapping up the entire five dozen batch of strawberry pastries and handing the detective a complementary spoon – pink and covered with rhinestones – L watched with a bemused smile as Besalicot insisted on giving Light a hug so that he 'wouldn't feel left out' after the girl had all but mauled the very panda-like detective.

On the drive back to the hotel, L found himself pondering the parallels between Miss Besalicot Bakersfield and one Misa Amane. He was eighty percent certain that the airheaded blonde was the second Kira, yet she put on an utterly oblivious and amiable air, much like small the brunette girl who seemed entirely too keen to give him hugs. Suspicion began to buzz in the back of L's mind as he pressed a thumb to his lips, mentally making a list of things to be done. A very thorough background check on Besalicot was very high on that list, because anyone that painfully cheerful and lacking in personal space was suspicious.

Eating some of those delicious smelling cupcakes, however, was at the very top.


	3. Chapter Three: The Gingerbread Cyclops-

**A/N:**

**Grace: What's this? An update? *faints from shock***

**Phantom: *rolls eyes* it hasn't been that long, you know.**

**Grace: True, true, but rarely do I ever seem to get three chapters of the same story up in one week.**

**Phantom: Fair point.**

**Grace: Anyway, cookies and brownies go to all of the awesome – and masochistic – people who followed and faved, I was shocked by how many of you actually seemed to want to read more. To **_**Cherry Ripe-teenage nightmare**_**, **_**BlackUndertaker**_**, **_**KittyPersona**_**, and **_**MOAR**_** (the mysterious Guest reviewer), go slices of L's cake and a complementary Ryuk plushie! :D**

**Phantom: He's gonna kill you for stealing his cake, Gracie-chan. . .**

**Grace: *hides under bed***

_**[DISCLAIMERL: I don't own Death Note. CAN'T SUE ME NOW, BITCH!]**_

_Chapter Three: The Gingerbread Cyclops And Suspiciously Sticky Handcuffs_

Gingerbread was definitely the devil's own invention, Besalicot decided firmly as she poked the grainy mixture experimentally.

The girl was perfectly happy to coat herself head to toe in nearly any sugary substance, from chocolate sprinkles to crepe batter, liquefied gummy bears to cherry syrup, croissant dough to peppermint icing, she really didn't mind. Gingerbread, however, was another matter entirely. In a way, gingerbread was Besalicot's Kryptonite, and she happened to run screaming – literally – from anything gingerbread-related whenever the stuff made an appearance.

Now, though, she had been ordered to make a giant batch of gingerbread men. Not only was that very sexist in her opinion – there was a distinct lack of gingerbread _women_ – but it involved touching the one desert that she so loathed.

Yes, Besalicot thought with a frown, definitely the devil's invention.

It had been almost three days since Panda-san and his petunia-loving friend had made an appearance, and Besalicot was fairly certain she was going into cute-things-withdrawal. Her sugar intake had increased dramatically, she had been sketching chibi pandas non-stop for the past forty eight hours, and even hugging all of the most adorable puppies at the nearest pet shop hadn't given the poor girl her necessary dose of kawaii-ness. Top all that off with having to make five dozen very sexist gingerbread cookies, and Besalicot was beginning to consider strange things.

For instance, she began to wonder if penguins really _did _have knees, but they hid it very well so that no one would suspect it when they made a grab for world domination. She also began to ponder whether or not kittens were bound by the laws of physics, and if they would make a peace treaty with the secretly-knee-possessing penguins. The possibility of chinchillas being nothing more than very, very fat squirrels, clouds housing the world's biggest supply of cotton candy, and an internal debate over whether there was a ninja hiding behind the pantry door also crossed her mind more than once.

Not that such things were terribly different from Besalicot's typical thoughts – after all, it's not like she would be pondering boring things like politics, the economy, or whatever that bored looking news anchor had been rambling about last night – but it was fairly alarming to the girl that they were all buzzing through her head when she needed to concentrate on her job . . . and whether or not penguins were secretly hiding their knees, that _was _pretty important.

Just as Besalicot was about to resign herself to a life devoid of panda-kawaii-ness and filled with gingerbread men, the pleasing – though only in her opinion – music from the main door being opened rang through the small shop. The girl stared down at the last sexist gingerbread man – whom she had been in the midst of decorating – for a brief moment before she decided that he could survive with just one eye and bounced toward the counter.

Imagine Besalicot's surprise when she came face to face with none other than her adorable Panda-san.

"Panda-san!~" she screamed, nearly throwing herself over the counter in her haste to hug the impossibly kawaii man.

"Besalicot Bakersfield-" Panda-san began as he gingerly handed a sheet of paper to the joyful girl who seemed determined to squeeze him to death "You are under arrest."

Besalicot snapped out of her happy thoughts with a startled squeak.

"Me? Under _arrest_?!" the girl questioned, backing away slowly and trembling.

"Yes." Panda-san confirmed, not so much as batting an eyelash.

"On what grounds?!" Besalicot asked, wracking her brain to remember how this whole scenario played out in the cop shows she watched back in America.

"You are suspected of being Kira."

At that, Besalicot fainted dead away.

~D~N~

The trip back to the hotel was surprisingly uneventful in Light's opinion.

Just after Bertha – Berra? – had hit the ground – no one had bother to catch her when she fainted – Watari had appeared in his ninja-like way and deposited the girl in the backseat of a sleek black car. L sat in his crouched way on the seat beside her, staring with his too-wide eyes at her batter-smeared face.

Light had – grudgingly – sat on the other side of the apron-clad girl to keep her unconscious body from bashing against the car door when Watari made sharp turns. She reeked of gingerbread and gumdrops, Light noted with a wince, and some sort of icing was now stuck to the sleeve of his jacket where the girl's shoulder had made contact with his arm. The only bright side that light could see in the whole fiasco was the girl's lack of perfume; if Misa had smelled another woman's perfume on his clothes . . . the result would certainly not be something anyone would want to experience.

However uneventful the drive may have been, the return to the hotel itself was quite . . . exciting.

L had already handcuffed Bepha – Bethie? – and stared almost awkwardly at the girl's unconscious body. The notion of simply carrying her inside appeared to strike the detective, because his eyes suddenly widened and his face twitched in distaste. After a heated debate and several not-so-veiled threats, Light found himself walking into the hotel lobby with an arm wrapped firmly around the girl's waist as L walked on her other side and stayed as far away as the chain of the handcuffs would allow.

Several questioning stares were given before the peculiar trio made it to the elevator, Light's face a mixture of embarrassment and anger while L looked utterly unperturbed and the girl slept peacefully on. Light had – foolishly – assumed that not much else could go wrong as he shuffled awkwardly out of the elevator and L slid a keycard into the suite door.

A piercing scream of "Light-kun!" and a flash of blonde hair proved him wrong.


End file.
